Some Things Are Just Too Sparkly
by CelticDreamer007
Summary: Find out what happens when Professor Snape runs into a very sparkly vampire in the Forbidden Forest.  Rated T for mild language and a mention/an act of violence


**A/N:** Hello! I deeply apologize for my absence and lack of updates. Don't worry both reading and writing fanfiction is still a HUGE passion of mine. I am going to rewrite my stories that I took down, have no fear they will return better than what they were when they left! This is just a little satire that came to me in a dream and then I brought it to life on paper.

**Disclaimer:** I do now own Snape or any of Harry Potter, that all belongs to the wonderful, very talented and magnificent J.K. Rowling. If I did own it Fred would not be dead! :( I do not own any of Twilight and don't ever want to, unless I could abolish those pompous and sparkly vampires and that pathetic excuse for a human Bella. Lastly I do not own the song Goodnight Moon that belongs to the amazing Jason Lancaster and the rest of Go Radio.

Severus Snape was grudgingly making his way across the damp and dark Hogwarts grounds toward the Forbidden Forest. Why was a professor walking to the Forbidden Forest at 2 in the morning you ask? Well because Dumbledore had summoned Snape to his office saying that he had craving for dingle berries, which conveniently can only be found in the Forbidden Forest. The headmaster had asked Snape if he would mind fetching him some. And of course your second question is why is Snape obliging to the old man's orders? Because he's Albus freaking Dumbledore that's why! You do his bidding now and ask questions later or you just might regret it. You know because he's the only person the Dark Lord fears and all. But Snape personally thought the only thing the Dark Lord should be fearful of was his own reflection; I mean have you seen the guy? Not exactly in the top ten handsomest bachelors. But anyway here he was, a respectable potions master trudging along in the damp grass getting his best black robes wet, looking for some dingle berries.

This would certainly not help his reputation any. For some reason people don't like to trust him, He was a death eater once and had killed a few people here and there, so what? People can change, he had given up his old ways, became a teacher and hadn't killed anyone in years. But no those little brats had to think that being a potions master was the same thing as being a drug dealer, idiots. Didn't they know that brewing a polyjuice potion was a lot harder than cooking up some crystal meth? Potions can bewitch the mind, ensnare the senses and even put a stopper in death. He didn't see drugs doing that, all they do is kill the few brain cells children posses, make you think you're seeing purple flying monkeys or think that the walls are out to eat you.

Finally Snape reached the forest and entered it, keeping his eyes open for any dingle berry bushes. After a few minutes of fruitless searching he heard something in the distance.

"Lumos" he said igniting the tip of his wand.

As the sound grew closer he noticed it sounded like the beating of hooves. Then only a moment or two later a bunch of centaurs ran past him, most looking quite frightened.

"That is quite strange, centaurs are usually the ones giving the chase not being chased." The black greasy haired man thought. Also centaurs didn't really fear anything, so the fact that they were frightened was something new to Snape.

But that didn't slow him down any, he ventured on deeper into the forest determined to get what Dumbledore wanted so he could return to the castle and maybe even have time to give Potter some more detentions because he was still breathing, or take away points from Gryffindor because the Weasley's bright red hair was distracting to the other students learning.

He had been walking for about 10 minutes when he heard what sounded like singing. As he crept closer the singing got louder and it sounded like a girl.

"Oh great there's a student out in the forest." Snape thought irritably.

Hopefully it was at least a Gryffindor so he could take pleasure in punishing her, if he was really lucky it'd be that insufferable know-it-all Granger girl. Her and her friends Potter and Weasley were always doing weird things, so it wouldn't surprise him if they were out here singing kumbaya in the moonlight just to break the rules.

But when he entered the clearing from which the singing was coming from it wasn't the little trio or even any students for that matter. What he saw was something bright and…sparkly, very sparkly.

"_Goodnight Moon_

_and good night you_

_when you're that I think about _

_All the I dream about."_

"No, No that will never do!" The sparkly being muttered to himself in a frustrated manner.

"Great. Not only is it sparkly, it's a complete nutter!" Snape thought.

This night was just not going as planned.

He finally decided that it was time to confront it, whatever it was.

"You!" He yelled at it.

The figure turned around, and when it did he nearly blinded the professor. It was a male who had light and sparkles pouring out of every pore of his body.

"Wha-what are you?" The sparkle struck potions master asked.

"I" he started with a flash of his pearly whites "I am Edward Anthony Masen Cullen and I am a vampire."

Upon hearing this Snape burst out into laughter. And let me tell you that in order to make Severus Snape laugh you must be in terrible pain or something utterly and totally ridiculous. In the Edward's case Snape was thinking he was the latter of the two.

When he was finally able to contain himself Snape spoke once more. "Aren't vampires supposed to be scary? Not sparkly?"

Edward's features suddenly twisted into one of shame and he turned his head away from Snape. For dramatic effect of course. "Don't you see? I am a monster!"

The professor fought the urge to burst into the giggles once more. "You-you're a monster? Um monsters are supposed to be frightening. Well I guess that amount of sparkles on a male is quiet alarming."

Edward looked at Snape once more this time wearing a look of agony. "I have killed people before and it is so easy for me to do so. Everything about me draws humans in, my voice, my face, my smell even on the days I don't shower. It's so horrifying! People want to be with me and around me not for me, but because of what I am. But I am such a horrible creature, nobody should ever be around me. I should be locked up away from people so I can not hurt anyone any longer."

"Wow that is so ironic." Snape muttered.

"I beg your pardon?" Edward asked astounded.

"Well on the outside you are so sparkly and filled with light but on the inside you're such an emo kid."

"You don't understand me! Nobody does! The only person who can see my soul and see who I really am is my beloved Bella. She loves me because I am Edward not because I am some 107-year-old vampire. I am writing a song for her called "Goodnight Moon" in order to prove my love to her. You see she does not believe that I can love someone such as her but I do with all my heart."

"Yes you two being in love couldn't possibly be because you are an addictive vampire, from whom she could not stay away from and she is a live human filled with blood…"

"But you see it is so much more than that! I am learning to control my urges so I can be close to her without looking like I am smelling something horrible, so I can kiss her all night long with her father right down the hall from us! She would do anything for me; she would give her life for me even though I don't want her too. She jumped off a cliff just to hear my voice inside her head! If that isn't love I don't know what is!"

"Those damn teenage hormones." Snape muttered before rolling his eyes. This was getting quite annoying, Edward was the most pathetic, whiniest and most dramatic person he had ever met. He would even give Potter a run for his money which Snape didn't believe achievable. Just when he was going to leave Edward and continue on his dingle berry hunt, he saw it. It was quite difficult to see because of all the light Edward was emitting but it was defiantly there, hidden behind the dramatic diva. A dingle berry bush. Now he could just ignore it and find another deeper in the forest but why should he have to? As long as he kept the vampire talking, he could get him to move so he could gain access. Snape sighed. This wasn't going to be easy, he was going to have to act like he actually was interested in Edward and gave a shit about personal feelings and well being. Great. Just great…..

"So are there others? Like yourself?"

"Oh yes. Carlisle was the first but over the years he has changed others. For company mostly but we were dying anyway. But there are times I wish I would have just died instead of becoming….this." Edward said with disgust. "But that was until I met Bella, she gives me reason to live."

"But you're dead. So you can't live." Snape stated

Edward looked bewildered at Snape's comment obviously this thought had never crossed his mind. "Well yes….but she helps me enjoy my eternal damnation"

The potions master didn't even comment on that statement. "So why you do you have a problem killing humans? Isn't that the purpose of your existence, to kill humans and drink their blood?"

The vampire sighed. "Of course you humans would believe that. Count Dracula really muddled our image and reputation. You see vampires can live off of any blood. So I am a vegan, I only drink animal blood because nobody cares if a bear or mountain lion dies. Since I have met Bella I had to change because she would be very upset if I drank her families blood at our wedding. I cannot upset her. She is very fragile and can not think for herself."

"Trust me you do not want a girl who can think, they won't shut up." Snape said referring to Granger.

Edward pondered this for a moment. "Yes if Bella could think she would probably realize that being with a sparkly, pompous vampire like myself is the stupidest thing she has ever done. And then I couldn't take her best friend, her family and her life away from her. Yes that would be bad…very bad."

"I can only fathom the horror." Snape said dryly

"Hey would you mind if I run something by you?"

Snape just gave the sparkly man a murderous look, but apparently to vampires that sort of look means 'of course I would be honored.' Because Edward continued on.

"You see my family and I are extremely rich, we have so much money that we don't know what to do with ourselves. I for one get bored very easily and love to try new random things; my current hobby is selling my own line of body wash. I am shooting a commercial but don't know if this is the direction I should go in. So I would love to show it to you and get your opinion.

Snape remained silent and twice as murderous looking, but remember what was said above, murderous looks and silence is a good thing to vampires or at least to dimwitted ones.

Edward turned his back to the professor to 'prepare' himself. After a few moments he turned back around wearing a hundred watt smile and pretended to be holding a bottle of body wash.

"Hello ladies. Look at your human, now back to me, now back at your human, now _back to me_. Sadly he isn't dead like me but he could sparkle like me, if he stopped using manly un-sparkly body wash and switched to illuminate body wash. Look down, now back up. Where are you? You're in a tall tree with the vampire your human could sparkle like, what's in your hand? Back at me, I have it; it's your mortality and your life. Look again, it's gone and has been replaced with a gorgeous car. Anything is possible when your human sparkles like a vampire and isn't manly. I'm playing the piano."

That was it. Snape couldn't take it anymore. He had tried pretending that this scum mattered in hopes that he would move away from the bush and it hadn't worked. After that performance he knew that there was no hope and he had, had enough of the sparkles. This had to end now.

So, what did you think? Will it work?" Edward asked his sparkly, unnaturally colored eyes filled with curiosity.

Snape casually raised his wand pointing it directly at the vampire. "Avada Kedavra!" he yelled, his wand sending out a jet of green light, which hit Edward who was thrown back a foot and landing on the ground dead. But even in death he was still sparkling.

The professor casually walked over to him putting one foot on his chest and looking him in the eyes as he spoke. " You have light and sparkles pouring out of every orifice of your pathetic body. It's unnatural." Then he left the vampire and moved toward his prize but what he saw only put the icing on the cake for this horrid evening.

The damn vegan vampire had eaten all of the dingle berries.

A/N: You have to love Snape! Anyway hope you enjoyed it and that it made you giggle. Please review! Oh and be on the lookout for the return on my stories!


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